Counting The Cost

Terrifyingly Open (Written March 11, 2022)

I never knew that to like something, and to be in love
Are not the same at all.
Being in love, I find, makes me feel vulnerable,
Feel exposed, and sometimes small.
It is, honestly, a little bit scary,
To have my heart opened up so wide.
It makes me want to run away as fast as I can,
To close my eyes, to try to hide.
When someone notices my frantic heart
I feel this urge to shut it away,
To bury it until it suffocates and slows down again,
And pretend that’s where it always lay.
I wonder what it is that has me so afraid.
How is this different than standing up elsewhere?
Ah, maybe it is because, this time
I can’t possibly pretend that I don’t care.


It is one of my littler personality quirks that frustrates me more than anything. When it comes to talking about something that I love to people who I care about…I freeze up. Every instinct I have it screaming at me to act like I couldn’t care less. No, honestly, it’s more than that. When in a position where my love is brought to light I start wanting to destroy that emotion and distance myself from what I love and the people I care about. It is unreal. Why on earth am I so terrified of being known?

I don’t remember anything in my childhood to have traumatized me. Am I just that selfish? Have I somehow come to believe that emotions are a sign of weakness? Maybe it is just that the better someone knows you, the more able they are to hurt you. The more you care about something the worse it hurts to loose…so maybe I am actually just a coward. Maybe I’m just counting the cost and protecting myself from the struggle and work for something good. I don’t know, but I just know it isn’t right, and it isn’t good.


Ah, I almost forgot:

Want a chance to win $5000 or a ton of beef? My old school, where I now teach, is running a sweepstakes right now to fundraise. If you feel like buying an entry, I’d greatly appreciate it.

(You can’t put it under my name, but my darling niece is more or less my doppelganger anyway, so…)