Enough Guilt

Just Me (Written July 17, 2017)

I’m sitting here, alone once more,
In a place where it feels not quite right,
Where I feel I should be by someone’s side,
Not strolling alone at night.

But why should I have to feel this way?
Why shouldn’t I enjoy this solitude here?
Why must I feel like I’ve done something wrong,
Like I’ve run from some duty and dissappeared?

I really don’t think that it makes any sense
That I should feel guilt for enjoying myself
As I always have, in my own company,
Unimpeded by anyone else.

No, I don’t think I should feel obliged
To torture myself and force myself so
When that forcing no longer can bring any good-
I’ll not strive for a place where I can never go.

___

Recently, somebody asked me what I would say if I could send a text to myself from five years ago. I thought about it and realized that I’d rather experience everything I experienced and learn it how I did, rather than try to avoid anything. 

But

If I could give myself one generic bit of life advice, just a tidbit to keep in the back of my mind…I’d tell myself to not kill myself for not being a completely different person. I am not social, I prefer to spend long amounts of time alone. And, yes, it was definitely good for me to force myself to be social while I was in a place where there was a good environment for that. But. I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to develop this guilt for enjoying my alone time. There is nothing wrong with being alone, with enjoying alone time.

While in a social place that guilt was good, and helpful. However, that guilt now is unfounded and unanswerable. I realize that, even if I have learned to be social and whatnot, I have not actually really made friends with whom I can continue to interact. I used to think that was just because I didn’t try hard enough, but now I know trying harder was not the answer- I just really haven’t met people who want to be close with me. So I don’t have anyone to be social with, not now that I am away from an environment with peers to interact with. Even if I feel guilty for not being social, I have no one to be social with, and I don’t think that is because I’ve done anything wrong. I’m not avoiding that duty to go enjoy myself in my time alone, I have no way to answer that duty. And yet, the guilt somehow remains.

If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice, it would be to remember that following everyone’s advice to avoid spending all my time by myself, to expand my world and meet people while the opportunity is right in front of me…doing all that is good, but it doesn’t mean I need to feel obliged to change my whole personality. It was a good experience, and one that I learned very much from… but it won’t ever be my life, and I would advise myself to not think that I have to feel like I’m avoiding something just because I, apparently, am not someone that others want to keep in contact with. I’ve done my part, it isn’t my fault my efforts were not reciprocated.

THANK YOU FOR READING! PLEASE RATE AND REPLY!

If you are interested in interesting thoughts on being alone, and a perspective I can’t even begin to contemplate, by the way, I recommend this:

http://www.plannedscape.net/Fiala/boredom-loneliness-and-committment/