How Do You Feel? (Written June 23, 2013)
What is longing? What is pain?
Why would sorrow ever remain?
What on earth could matter so
That your heart would be hurting long after it goes?
What is it that’d be so important to you
That when it was gone you couldn’t make due?
I know that you like it and I know that you care,
But life still goes on even though it’s not there.
I know that I’m weird and I don’t have a heart,
And I’m told it is just ’cause I’ve always been smart,
But you’d think if I’m smart I could fathom at all
The way that emotions almightly entrall.
But my heart only hurts for a bit when you go,
‘Cause there is nothing to me that would matter so.
When it’s gone and only my thoughts there remain,
I’ve found very quickly I’ve forgotten the pain.
I had a very long conversation with somebody this past weekend. This was a person I trust and respect very, very much. At one point this person mentioned my lack of emotion- not a new topic, as it is something that has plagued me most of my life. I don’t- really, honestly- get what it means to care about something so much that it would actually cause a lasting pain when you lose it. I believe you would call it utilitarian, but if it is gone it is gone, and all that’s left is to move on. (Ha, that wasn’t on purpose, but I rather liked it.) Of course, this was a mentality I built up after ten years of my close friends and classmates leaving one by one, never to be met again, and any new friends disappearing right as we got close- it is easier to agree that life, no matter what, will move on, with or without your friends, than it is to always be sad that they aren’t there any more. You can guess where the story goes from there. When you won’t form a particular attachment to new people, you don’t make friends. And that, very quickly, leads to you being an isolated person. I didn’t mind. I love reading, and I really enjoy learning new things, so I had plenty to distract me from the increasingly shallow relationships with the people around me. (Which, as you could probably guess, meant that I was labeled a ‘nerd’ and a loner.) And emotions, like all things, grow cold if never used. I killed mine because I didn’t like my ability to live being compromised every time something went wrong. I got sick of always running away to cry somewhere, and I eventually just stopped crying. Warm emotions like love and appreciation were ones I avoided because they seemed to always be followed by something cold like sorrow or loneliness. And, I will not lie, I got absorbed in my studies. Face it, it is easy to see that the different arts and sciences all have a natural order, where everything makes sense if you take the time to understand it. Humans and emotions aren’t so easy. But if you start to think that it is more worth while to learn and study the patterns of nature than to constantly be blindsided by the unpredictable and disorderly follies of humanity, you’ll probably find that your emotions will die before long too. And that is no good. There are things worth caring for, even if it hurts. There is a real joy in learning and thinking, but it doesn’t mean much of anything if you can’t bring yourself to care about things that are important to you- if you can’t bring yourself to feel that things are important. You will be in a seriously bad spot if you find that, like me, you have so thoroughly put down your emotions that, even though you can intellectually recognize how important and beautiful something is, you can’t make yourself care. And when that happens it doesn’t matter if you can think and know that it is the most important thing in the world, your heart won’t agree and it won’t really matter to you at all. That isn’t strong. (<- Oh glorious consistency!) It is stupid. Don’t let yourself become so cold-hearted. It isn’t easy to come back after that. I don’t know how to. ‘Cause I know that I have to care, and be able to love, and I know what I would love, but I can’t remember how I’m supposed to love anymore. (<- I suppose that would be my Forgotten Lost Something, don’t you?) Don’t let that happen. Nothing matters more than being able to love what is good. I can’t believe it took me so long to actually understand that. It doesn’t matter how much you know or mentally acknowledge truth and justice and everything good on this earth. Nothing will ever matter at all, if you can’t love it. Know what is good, and love what is good, ’cause that is the reason we are alive. And if you can’t have that, you really don’t have anything at all.
THANK YOU FOR READING! THIS WAS A REALLY IMPORTANT ONE TO ME, SO I WOULD REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOVE ANY AND EVERY FORM OF FEEDBACK YOU COULD OFFER!