Let Me Free (Written August 4, 2013)
Please let me go, please let me free,
Over the mountains, across the sea,
Into the caves, among the trees,
Where all the world waits for me.
There are people I know who really have things waiting for them. You know what I mean? They have people the love, things to do, and a job they enjoy, but they have to finish up where they are at first. They have something they are working for. I envy those people. Of course, I’m sure they feel differently about it, but I would love to know what I am working toward. I have always acted like I know. Or, rather, always had something I wished was what I was working toward, but was always all too aware of the fact that it just wasn’t what I was looking for. So, I came to the conclusion that, if I did not know what I should work towards, I would prepare myself for anything. For everything. I decided I would get good at everything I possibly could so that when I figured out what I wanted to do I would be able to do it, no matter what it ended up being. I decided that when I was seven, right after my family moved for the first time. I just found the paper I wrote it down on. I’d forgotten. Somewhere along the line, my goal of being prepared for everything became my pride not letting me be bad at anything. But, I find, I have kept my goal. I have not allowed myself to not be prepared for anything. I have kept that idea in my head this whole time. And I realized that as trapped as people might feel when they realize that they have work to do before they can have the things they love, I have managed to make myself feel probably just as trapped. I always feel like I am slacking, like I am not doing everything I can. I feel like I need to be doing something more so that I will absolutely be able to do whatever I like to. So, I want to go everywhere and do everything. But you know, I once was told that it isn’t about me filling myself up, but about emptying myself out so that I am open for what is important. I think Sherlock Holmes said something similar once. But I am not so incredible that I can do without being so full, nor am I so certain that I would be comfortable abandoning what I have filled myself with so far. So I’ll keep gathering knowledge and experiences and skills untill I know which ones I won’t need. Though, I feel like I should just lay back and relax- I could, really, I could probably do whatever I wanted and would be fine, even if it wasn’t what I really wanted- but I can’t, because I still have things to do. It’s like that Robert Frost poem,
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
I still have more to do. So, I’ll keep getting ready. For something. And somehow, this all makes me feel as if I’ll one day find that the end that I have been getting ready for was actually in the getting ready. If my life were a story that might be what I’d find. *Sigh* Too bad it isn’t a story. Though, as Patrick Rothfuss said,
It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.
Don’t forget that. Keep telling yourself that story. And remember, for a story to have a good end the writer must have set up everything they’ll need for the story to end happily. Which is what I tell myself, mostly to justify trying to do everything, so that i could have any end. Of course, the story is being written by you. You are writing the story that makes you what you are. So the end is entirely up to what you will make of yourself. The only other person involved is the editor, who will burn your book if it ends badly, so make sure that that doesn’t happen, ok?
You know, this was supposed to be a pretty lighthearted post. Really! *shrug* I’m not entirely certain it is even a coherent thought, but if you can make proper sense of it, I think it says some good, sensible things. Maybe.
Happy Birthday Joe! Happy Birthday Danny!
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