Waking Dreams #2 (Written August 28, 2013)
I sit and in the silence there,
Where quiet whispers like a prayer,
A million billion thoughts are born
Then settle down and die once more.
I sit and as each thought grows worse,
When thoughts themselves become a curse,
I long for silence in my mind
So that, at last, some sleep I’ll find.
So, yeah, you might recall reading that first stanza before. Or, almost the same first stanza. I posted the original a few weeks ago. In it I talked about what being an insomniac is for me. About never being able to fall asleep because I can’t stop thinking. About the millions of thoughts that go through my mind every night and how they all disappear as soon as I try to concentrate on one of them. I mentioned the same thing in one of my first posts as well. And, well, I was thinking of this first stanza the other night when I couldn’t sleep.
While I was pretty positive about the idea in the first stanza when I talked about it last time, I’m not so positive this time. There is an element of encroaching insanity in it all. And there have been times where I really do feel like I’m being driven insane. It is frightening how the lack of sleep can seem magical and charming one night, and the next seem horribly cruel. Nightmares can be really terrifying. If you have ever had a real nightmare you know that it isn’t enough to just tell yourself that it isn’t real. You know that, even if you are fully awake, you can’t quite shake the terror that the nightmare brought. Well, have you ever had one of those nightmares that you only kind of wake up from? Where you are totally aware of everything that is going on around you in reality, but it is like the nightmare won’t go away? I get those a lot. I have never yet woken up screaming, which amazes me, but I know that I have woken up crying. Seriously, you know those dreams that you wake up from and you can feel somebody touching you from the dream. I had one where I was being chased by huge, gigantic, cockroaches and when I woke up I could remember what it feel like when they got my ankles. *shiver* Seriously, I can still remember exactly what that felt like.
(Ok, so I am about to describe two of the different nightmares I’ve had. I don’t know if that would bother anybody, but I figured I should mention it. The second one is…a bit graphic in its ending. Just warning you. It is probably less graphic for you to read than it is for me to remember, but all the same. You have been warned.)
Is there some reason a person might suddenly start getting more nightmares? I used to get them every now and again. Typically when I was really sick. I had this one when I was four. I was sent to my room for whatever reason, and I was all sorts of upset, so I just sorta plopped down on my bed and sat there. I didn’t fall asleep, I know that. But the next thing I remember was my older brother coming up to get me for dinner and freaking out when he realized that I had a crazy high fever. I didn’t realize that I remembered the dream I had after that until I had the same dream ten years later when I had chicken pox. There were these big trolls telling me that I had to stay where I was because I was part of their machine that they were going to use to take over the stars. I was a human cog. They put a big troll guard next to me and told me that if I moved I would get clobbered by the troll. I moved. Both times I had this dream I woke up to find myself on the other side of the room with my head hurting. My head hurt because of the fever, obviously, and the second time I had this dream I remember getting up and fainting. I hit my head that time. All the nightmares I used to have were sort of like that. I always died, and the dream kept going after that, and it was terrifying, but never enough that it really continued after I woke up. They never scared me that bad. Until now.
Now I get these nightmares a lot. Just the other night I woke up from a really terrific nightmare. I was having an ulcer removed, so I was at the hospital. For whatever reason, they were removing this ulcer by cutting open my lower back. Which I don’t really think is right, but whatever. Anywho. They finished up, and I woke up in this big changing room type place. And I see this lady with a big hole in her side. It wasn’t like a cut. It was like a hole in a mannequin that let you see their internal organs. I, of course, pointed this out to her. And she turns and looks at me all funny and says, “What, don’t you see you’ve got one too?” And I looked in the mirror and saw that I had a hole just like it in my back. Then I started looking around and seeing that everybody had holes like that all over their bodies. I freaked out and ran down a hall in this changing room place. And then I heard screaming. And I saw this guy in the other room. He was older, and his hair was thinning. He had one of those holes on his the right side of his head. And he was tearing everybody apart and eating them.
Mercifully, this nightmare ended with him finding me hiding in a closet and him diving at me. I woke up at that point, so I don’t know if I died. I was terrified. It was about 3:15AM at this point. I kept remembering something I’d heard a long time ago about 3AM being the devil’s hour. Seriously, I have never been more scared in all my life. Normally, when I have nightmares that freak me out even after I woke up I would grab my phone and headset, and listen to music with my back to the wall. I couldn’t find my cell phone anywhere. It was awful.
But, seriously, in the past year or so I have started to have a lot of nightmares like that. Or, rather, not all quite that horrific, but tons of nightmares. A few dreams, but mostly nightmares. I didn’t used to be able to remember my nightmares unless I was really sick. If anybody knows why I might suddenly be getting tons of nightmares, I would appreciate you hypothesis.
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