Getting To Know Me (Written June 16, 2014)
I’m getting to know me,
And it’s moving so slowly,
Just discovering who I am
Yes, looking through behind the scam.
I never knew that I was like this,
It’s something that I’ve always missed,
That I’m scared of losing control,
That being with friends can take a toll,
But then being alone’s much harder to be,
But still I detest too much company.
And I’ve learned that I really hate goodbyes,
And I’ve learned that I really like to cry,
And I never knew I was someone who
Could be fine not knowing what to do,
That I’d be fine learning as I go,
That the future’s not something I have to know.
It’s a side of me I’d not seen before,
And I’m starting to see that there’s even more,
But I’m looking now and I’m starting to see
That slowly, so slowly, I’m getting to know me.
>.< I’ve been very busy. A friend called up my sister on Tuesday to invite us on a road trip up to Minnesota on Thursday so we could go to Ordinations on Friday. We decided to go and left Colorado at 6:30 PM and arrived at Ordinations at 8:45 AM, just in time to sit down before the ceremony actually started. It was crazy… and a lot of fun. I’m glad we went.
While we were there I got to see a number of people I haven’t seen in a while, among them someone I know who told me I was looking good, better than I had been when they last saw me. And I got to thinking about that and realized that I was stressing myself out a lot over the past two years. I was worrying about what to do after I got out of school way more than I should have been. I was stressing over the fact that I didn’t have friends. I was stressing over everything. And then I sat down to write my graduation speech and remembered the advice one of our teachers gave us when we started high school: age quod agis. I’ve mentioned this saying before. It means “do what you do.” Basically it just means that you should give your full attention to whatever you are currently doing, rather than allowing yourself to be distracted from it by something else and not do it as well as you should.
It isn’t as if I’d forgotten the advice, but I guess I had forgotten what it really meant. You can only do what you can do. No matter how much you are worried about something else you can’t change it if it isn’t in front of you in some way. I’m concerned about what I’m gonna do after college, but I haven’t been able to figure out an answer to that even with the help and advice of the people I trust the most, so I’m just not gonna worry about it right now. I’ll just do my best in college while I’m there. That’s all you ever can do: the best with what you are currently doing.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you should just forget about anything you aren’t doing that very moment, it just means that you give it the attention it deserves. You might be worried that your cookies will taste funny because you’ve only got whole wheat flour, but right now you are making the turkey still so you have to be concentrating on that or else it is going to be tasting funny too. =/ I’m not very good at giving examples, but I think you know what I mean.
I finally remembered that advice and it has really helped me since. It sort of helped me remember that I’m Megan Eddy, and Megan Eddy doesn’t doubt herself over things she has no control of. Megan Eddy doesn’t panic about anything. Heck! I’d been so stressed I’d half forgotten that Megan Eddy loves to read more than anything in the world! And when I thought about that I started thinking about who I am, really, rather than who I would like to be. It’s helped a lot. If I look like I’m doing better than I did the last time that person saw me it is because I’ve decided it is time for me to take a good look at who I am and come to peace with it. Not that I’m happy with all of it, but acknowledging it has helped me to calm down and work on what I can actually work on.
So, yeah, age quod agis, but you’re gonna need to actually know who you are before you can even figure out what you’re doing. You can’t really make sure you are doing what you do if you don’t even know what you are doing, and it is hard to know what you are doing if you don’t even know what you are. Ha! I just realized that I’ve sort of come right back around to something else I quote a lot,
It is important that we know where we come from, because if you do not know where you come from, then you don’t know where you are, and if you don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going. And if you don’t know where you’re going, you’re probably going wrong. -Terry Pratchett
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