Going Gold

The Pain of Loss (Written September 10, 2014)

It’s something I never saw before,
And now that I do, wish I could ignore.
The pain that it brings, the heartache and woe,
Is something I wish that I didn’t know.

No, I never knew that I would loved you so,
How much I really cared about you I simply did not know,
Until you were gone away from me, and we were far apart
I never felt the massive place that you held in my heart.

And now you are gone, and a hole is left behind,
Not only in my heart, but also in my mind
‘Cause I can’t even start to think just what the world would be
If I were left forever here without you next to me.


So, if you didn’t notice from recent posts, I’m at college. I left home. It broke my heart. I still cry every time I hang up from a phone call to my family. On Sunday I called home while my family were having a party for the Broncos’ game. I talked to my nieces and nephews.  That killed me. I couldn’t believe how unbelievably sad it made me that I wasn’t there with them. And when my goddaughter said I love you when she said goodbye I couldn’t even answer because I was crying so much. And then my sister-in-law had the baby. And I wasn’t there. And I found myself wanting to cry yet again.

And the other day I was talking to my little sister. We were talking about school and how everybody was doing. Small school, everybody is like family, even the ones you hate. She was telling me about how her friend’s, Emily’s, twin brother, Danny, is going to a different school now because their dad wanted him to do sports. Their older brother refused to transfer the year before, and their dad had completely ignored him ever since. So when it came to Danny’s turn, he went. And my sister was telling me about when Emily walked into class and had the teacher ask if Danny was home sick. And how she sort of stopped and couldn’t answer for a few minutes ’cause she was trying not to cry. Or one of the other classes where she went to turn around and ask Danny a question before remembering he wasn’t there.
And I feel horrible because I aught to be there to help, and I’m not.

And that got me thinking about how horrible it must be to lose somebody important to you. Being away from my family has made me sadder than I thought I was capable of being. Emily is so obviously broken up about her twin not being at school. I still talk to my family every night. She still sees her brother every morning and night. But that doesn’t make it not hurt. So how much more must it hurt to actually lose somebody precious? I never want to know. Thank God I don’t know. Thank God.

Unfortunately, there are people who do know what that feels like. And there are people who live with the constant threat of learning how that feels. I have this friend. She used to babysit me and my siblings. She was like an older sibling. She is like an older sibling. She is family. She got married a few years ago and her husband, in the Air Force, was transferred so they moved away. She has her own family now. And she lives constantly worried that she might lose one of them. Because her daughter has Leukemia. She was diagnosed at 9 weeks old. But they thought she beat it. They thought she was all better. But now it is back. And she is just a little kid. And her poor family has to live in constant fear for her.

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Being away from somebody you love is unbelievably painful. Never getting to see them again isn’t something I can even comprehend. Go gold this month, support Cancer awareness, and give the gift of not having to comprehend that pain.

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