Unmet Anticipation (Written August 5, 2015)
Ain’t it poetry, how you’re never quite who you want to be,
How you’re feet never reach where your eyes can see?
When you can see through the window but can’t open the door,
And inside’s something calling that you can’t ignore.
And isn’t that just the way life goes?
You search for your meaning while everyone else already knows,
And the answer they see for you keeps scooting out of sight,
And you’re left seeking wisdom from the twinkling stars at night.
But would you want it any another way?
To have all the answers as bright as day?
For me, I think, I’d much prefer that the answers keep trying to attempt to stay a blur,
‘Cause what would I do with my life if I one day come to know
All the answers I was seeking, but am left with years to go?
Hmmm….I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Partially because I just started reading the forwarning in Dragonbone Chair by Tad Williams, partially because I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m gonna do with my life. I’ve been watching all my friends and classmates get married and have kids, start careers and buy houses. What am I gonna do? I want to study ancient literature- not just Gilgamesh and the Illiad, more like folklore and mythology…like, I wanna study things like the Edda. But…Will I get to do that? How am I gonna get the money? How am I gonna survive even longer away from home? I dunno. And sometimes not knowing stresses me out.
But then I remember something. (Not just that I have decided I don’t care where I’m going, so long as do my best along the way.) I remember that wonder is a gift, not a curse. That most of the good things in life are found when you bother to look.
I also realize that it would probably be the worst sort of hell to know for certain who you are and how your life will go, because it would leave you with no hope. Even if it were good, nothing would matter anymore. It would be like seeing the end of a murder mystery, when the detective reveals the murderer and how they did it, and then going and trying to read it from the beginning.
Thank goodness for uncertainty.
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