How Things Don’t Change

Hippocrate (Written August 9, 2016)

You act so affronted when others follow suit
With that poisonous attitude to which you gave root,
But what sort of result do you think you’ll get
When you ceaselessly complain and then immediately forget?


So, being away from home for two years let me forget something rather important. You know how you tend to gloss over some things in your memories, and make them seem better than they are? I did that with my family. Somehow I managed to look past the fact that I haven’t been able to talk to my mother or older sister for any length of time without things taking a nasty turn. Somehow I forgot that, before I left for college, I hadn’t been able to spend time with my siblings for more than a little bit without somebody losing their temper and telling me they wished I’d just disappear already. “Why don’t you go back to your cave already?” I somehow managed to forge the number of times I’d hear that a day. I, somehow, managed to blind myself to years of my family telling me they want to not interact with me.

To be fair, I suppose, I am an introvert. And after spend many years growing up in a house where the only order ever established was done so by one of us kids threatening the other kids into doing what we wanted. That, obviously, leads to fights. I hated it. I hated the noise. I was always trying to just get everybody to stop fighting. I didn’t care about taking sides. I just wanted them to shut up and stop trying to make other people do things for them. So, of course, I became public enemy number one. I stopped eating at home. If I ate at home I would take my food and eat outside or on the roof, where my siblings were too scared of heights to come. Eventually we came to an arrangement that everybody sort of just fell into. I didn’t interact with them, not on any sort of regular basis, and they didn’t include me unless it included something they wanted me to do for them, it my guy friend who my brothers liked hanging out with.

Being away for two years made it really easy to forget all that. I spent the past two years working so hard to be less of a recluse, to fight back some of those worse introverted tendencies. I killed myself to improve. There were some times where I really thought I’d lose my mind if I had to interact with another person that day. But I kept at it. And I got used to having people treat me like a normal person. I got used to people wanting me to talk, and being worried when I got quiet. I got used to people actually enjoying my company.

So I forgot what home was like. Don’t get me wrong, I love my home and my family. But home is where everybody blows off steam. Home is where everybody trusts everybody else to be reasonable and understand that the complaining is just to get a break. And, somehow, I’m more in the category of something to complain about to blow off steam than I am someone they trust enough to complain to. Somehow or another, I’m on a different wavelength than they are. But now I am too used to being on the same wavelength as the people around me. I forgot that the only way I fit in around here is to be quiet and mind myself. Which I don’t mind. I love solitude. But I hate this so much.

*sigh* Well, time heals all, I suppose.


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