A Selfish Choice

Be Happy (Written June 14, 2017)

You know something? I’ve decided today
I’m going to be happy, no matter what you say.
Who cares if life is sad, who cares if I’m alone,
I will be happy anyway as I explore the great unknown.

I have my books, I have my space,
Where I am right now is a cheerful place.
So, you know, who cares about everyone else?
For now, at least, I’ll be happy by myself.


You know, I think it is time I start being a bit more selfish. I don’t want to be sad, anymore. Happiness, as I have often said, is a choice you make. But, you know, sometimes you need to do something external to help that choice along. It seems, right now, I am not strong enough to be happy without that extra outside help. So I’m going to be selfish. I’m going to look after myself first. 

If my heart isn’t big enough to hold all these things and happiness as well, then…well…A few of these things just have to go. 

I’m sorry to the people who I will be removing from my life. You aren’t all bad people, you aren’t all selfish. Some of you are just not a part of the puzzle that I can fit, right now, and it hurts me trying to squeeze you in where you don’t fit. Some of you are those people I tried to fit, despite having to leave bigger and more important pieces of my life to be neglected. And finally, some of you are people I killed myself trying to make fit, and foolishly thought I succeeded- just to watch that effort get stomped on, cruelly, for no more reason than a toddler picking on another kid.
But some of you who I’m cutting away from were people I really care about. I wish you all the best, and I will always enjoy seeing you, but my heart isn’t big enough for you to have residency there, so you will have to go. The parlor is open, but there is no bed for you here, anymore.
This is hard enough to say, honestly, but I think there are times in life when the kindest thing you can do is be selfish. And, frankly, sometimes it isn’t kind to anybody else…and that doesn’t ​matter. Sometimes you need to be selfish because, first and foremost, you are the only thing on this Earth that you are charged with caring for that will never be taken away. That responsibility is always there. 
So, today, I will make the selfish choice to cut certain things and certain people out of my life so that I can more easily choose to be happy. I hope I can grow to be strong enough, magnanimous enough, loving enough, that I won’t have to cut other away for my own happiness, but I am not there yet. 

If I don’t make this selfish choice now I will never grow enough to be someone who won’t have to.


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