Not Never (Written October 2, 2018)
I won’t say these things will never be said,
I won’t hide them away in my heart or my head.
At least, not forever, not till the day that I die,
But hopefully just until we see eye to eye.
Did you know what you meant to me all this time?
That, for you, was the first when my heart could rhyme?
That my life is now divided in ‘before’ and ‘after’ you?
Because the me that has known you is a someone very new.
I wish I could tell you just how much you’ve done for me,
Could give you my thanks for all the colors I now see.
But how could I do that when those thanks would weigh you down?
When my still continued fondness would lead to a troubled frown?
No, right now would be a bad time for me to say these things to you-
When expressing such great gratitude causing trouble would never do-
But I’ll still hope that one day, when we both have found our place,
This feeling, this fondness, this gratitude, can be finally said face to face.
I woke up the other day with this certainty that I really do need to express this feeling soon. But I know I can’t. So I started thinking about how things change as you grow older.
I’ve been helping with a lot of volunteer things with my old high school, lately, and talking with more recent graduates of my old college. It’s made me realize just how much relationships change as we grow older. Things that would have caused massive rifts between friends in highschool become things we would sit down and talk about over coffee in college- and those same things aren’t even cause for concern now. My friends now are people I trust more than I ever trusted anyone before. For the first time in my life I feel like I can actually trust my friendships and rest in that trust. I never knew this is what people meant when they talked about friendships maturing.
But that doesn’t mean this is as much as these relationships will grow. Just like I know my friends and I can candidly share more now with each other than we could five years ago, I am sure that will grow and change in the next five years, too. I’m watching (and helping) as many of my friends get married, and I’m realizing just how much farther relationships can change and grow. It’s beautiful.
And so I am sure I will one day be able to tell this person how I feel, and have felt, and how much my ability to feel has changed because of them. How I’d never wanted anything, really, never feared losing something, really, before I met this person. How I don’t think I would ever have learned to treasure anything if I hadn’t grown to treasure this person so much. How, for the first time, I was able to really, actually, care about anything.
But I can’t say that now. Now it would only trouble this person, make them hesitate while walking a difficult and extremely good path. I don’t want that. I want all the best for this person. So I will wait until the dust settles. Until we both are certain of where we stand, so that I will not sway this person when he should not be swayed. Until we have grown.
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