Conquering Me (Written October 2nd, 2019)
I will conquer me, I swear,
However hard it may be.
I’ll not submit to mere whims and fits
As they multiply and slowly swallow me.
No more! I say. No more emotions in control.
I don’t want to be helpless in the face of anything at all.
It’s hard enough just to find something real,
Harder still if these passing fits make me fall.
So I intend to conquer me and all my greatest flaws,
My weaknesses, my habits, and all the whims as well.
When it comes time for me to give account of myself
The story of a puppet is a tale I will not tell.
I am, as you can probably tell, well and truly done with freaking emotions taking over. Until I was almost 19 there was serious concern that there was something wrong I was so apathetic. Some things happened and that changed and, well, I kinda miss the apathy.
It concerned me, back then, that I just couldn’t feel the emotions everyone said I should be able to- aside from occasional annoyance, I didn’t really feel much of anything. Now, on the other hand, I get angry without knowing why, sad over things that can’t be helped, and I want things I know I can’t have. Is this normal? Everyone says it is. Despite knowing full well that it has nothing to do with me, I’ll find myself staying angry for days over the stupidest things. As is obvious by a lot of my posts since I graduate college, I’ll go through long periods of just being depressed.
If this is normal then I don’t want it. I hate this. I don’t want to be strung around all the time by things I can’t control or understand. But I sort of doubt I will suddenly grow so apathetic again. So, instead, I will just have to conquer myself- however I am feeling, whatever my emotions are doing, act as I choose, not how they would have me.
Wish me luck.
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