Ah, This Once More

Still, and Again

Unsettled, but not aggrivated,
Uneasy, unhappy, unsated,
But with nothing to seek or find:
This is the time loop of my mind.

What is it that I am even looking for?
I can’t really recall it, anymore.
Or, perhaps, was it something I never knew?
The only answer I ever had was you.

Is that my answer still? I can’t really say.
It always feels like I’m stuck in that day.
Have I moved on? Will I ever be moving again?
I wonder what I might look back on, then.

Ah, these are thoughts I’ve had before, aren’t they?
That I always have, and will have again some day-
I hope I can have this answer some day, again,
And that that you will be by my side again, then.

___

Life is strange, but it is also fairly simple, I think. Or maybe it is better to say I hope? I feel like my life is in something of a loop, right now, that I won’t be able to leave until I have found the right answer. For a lot of my life I didn’t care about that answer. I didn’t even care about the loop, honestly. I just earnestly did my duty. Oh, I still felt something missing, something I looked for when I wasn’t thinking. But I never sought it out. I never woke up with purpose or desperation, never slept with anxiety for development.

Then I met you.

That was when my frozen heart began to beat. The ice could just maintain inertia, but this beating heart needed to know it was directed to its end. Like all living things, apathy was no answer.

But then you left. I did not have another answer, certainly. Were you not the right answer? I don’t know. For a time I broke myself into bits and pieces, again and again, trying to build myself back together in a way that would let that answer remain true- or maybe in a way that would let that answer be unneeded.

Eventually, my heart slowed back down and began to ice over again. Oh well, the ice said, stability is at least a place for you to build, a place for you to rest. And that is true, and that is good. But the green earth can be those things, too. And every time I remember that I wonder if I just found my correct answer a little bit too soon.

I still hold that answer close to me, and I hope to someday believe it again.

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