Trauma (Written February 2, 2018)
I’d never realized, before,
How slowly the heart takes to heal.
Trauma, it seems, comes in all shapes and sizes,
But is always a thorn you will feel.
It takes so much longer than I ever could have thought,
Not hours or days or months, but years!
I’d never known the heart could be so hurt
That it would so tightly hold on to it’s hidden tears.
I always thought it had to be something big,
Something terrible, momentous enough to astound.
But now I find it’s the littlest things
That have the most power to stick around.
I never thought I would one day know that goodbye is all it takes
To let this sadness hang on for so long.
But now I see I’ll still feel this pain’s hold
Even when it is so many years gone.
It occurred to me, just the other day, how much I’d underestimated the powerful hold a traumatic event can have on a person. I always thought it was weird when I saw, in movies and books, people still flinching at the smell of fire or hating the taste of a certain food, just because of something they experienced years ago. I thought it had to be something considerably more serious than a bad breakup or a harsh criticism to create a real trauma. And, even then, short of a near death experience, I couldn’t imagine anything that would stick with you for more than a year or so.
I was wrong, of course. I’m beginning to see that sometimes there are very smoke things that can hurt you in such a way that you will feel their effects long after you’ve forgotten what even took place.
I am, for the first time in nearly four years, beginning to properly feel like myself again. I am finally feeling less like there is a window between me and my thoughts, and like I am properly back inside my own head. With this being the case, I thought I’d be able to move past, well, everything and anything that’s bothered me in the past few years. And yet, somehow or another, that isn’t the case. I’ll find myself mad or upset without really knowing why, just to have my Google photos decide to show me pictures I took on that day however many years ago on a day when something happened that I really didn’t like. It’s incredible. I couldn’t possibly have told you that was the day, but I was feeling those same emotions, regardless.
I have new respect for people who have gone through actual emotional struggles. I hadn’t realized, before, how hard it is to move past some things.
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